Tag: parenting

After Christmas:  Let Boxing Day be different

 

My mind is not noisy with desires…

And my heart has satisfied its longing.                                Psalm 131

 

As I write this, deep snow has settled on the evening of December 25th.  The Christmas shopping ritual has just ended.  On my car radio, among the tinny carols, I hear Van Morrison repeat a phrase from Poetic Champions Compose: non-attachment, non-attachment.

For those of us like me, who overspent again this year, and felt retail’s hollow afterthought where our spirit should have been, the song rings like an anthem for 2017.  Non-attachment is currently best known as a Zen way of thinking about the world without clinging to it, nor to our position in it.  Yet the above Psalm, quoted by Muslim, Jewish and Christian holy men, reveals that the idea of non-attachment continues in many other spiritual traditions.

As I quietly step in, brush off the snow and hang up my coat, I find solace in the silence.  Perhaps it’s not too late to find a new path for the holidays.  I live five minutes from a supermall, and the thought of returning there for Boxing Day shopping tomorrow sickens me.  So does the thought of plowing through all the excess food and gifted goodies in my kitchen.

Boxing Day is so named because, for hundreds of years, those who had plenty would distribute their extra food and clothes to the poor.  The idea of using this day for the prosperous to accumulate yet more, is relatively recent, a nightmare invented by retailers.

As I turn off the tree lights for the night, a thought comes to me.  My local YMCA is collecting food for local shelters and the town food bank. I remember that late on Christmas Eve, I noticed that, though we are one of the wealthiest communities in the country, the box was only half-full. Tomorrow afternoon, Dec. 26, is the time scheduled for the box to be sent out.  I can still make a difference!

I shrug off the fatigue I’ve been feeling from a day of too much food, too many gifts, and swing into action.  I find a large box of my own, and fill it with tinned soups, stews and all my extra boxed cookies and chocolate.  A clear recycling bag enables me to add the clothing I’ve received but don’t need.

I have a new plan for tomorrow now.  I’m going to bypass the mall, drop off my donation, and offer to help distribute to the needy.  As William Blake, the poetic conscience of the early Industrial Age, wrote:

“ You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.”

 

How to Love your Work

Why is work so hard? Why do so few of us feel creative and fulfilled by what we must do?

I ask myself this every time it’s my turn to do the housework, and the rest of the family leaves the house. This morning I resolved to make everything spic and span, until I remembered how hot, angry and frustrated I became last time. I simply couldn’t step back into the picture of myself from my last turn, when the dog ran all over the house in muddy paws, and the mop broke into five pieces leaving me to scrub on bare knees.

As I sip the last of my morning tea, I come across these words from over five hundred years ago.

Your separation from God, from love, is the hardest work in this world.                      -Hafiz (The Gift, translated by D. Ladinsky)

Entitled “A Cushion for your Head”, this extract from a mystic Sufi piece caught and held my attention. A sudden insight made me recognize its relevance to my own problem. As long as my family was there, and with them, love, I could do even the dirtiest work without feeling resentful.

Most of us, as parents, can remember such examples. Often, a baby would throw up all over me, and the only effect would be to intensify the bliss of mother love. This kind of joy is not only restricted to work with family. Once, my three-month old son peed straight into a doctor’s ear, and the kind man just laughed.

Yet often while we’re working we feel bitter and resentful, divorced from the flow of love. Before parenthood, I worked as a civil servant in a building hidden from the public, where my office had no contact with those I was supposed to serve. For 15 years, my career seemed less and less meaningful until I finally quit. Yet my friend Penny, a social worker, had daily contact with people in trouble. Her work was much harder, and more challenging, yet she was motivated to continue many years longer.

As the above quote sums up, it’s not the work itself, but the “separation” that’s the problem. If we can overcome this feeling of isolation, we can energize our work and our lives. I am not writing to convince you to join any religious sect. In fact, I find this quote most helpful when I don’t interpret it as part of a formal, orthodox relationship with God. I believe Hafiz, a highly individualist Sufi prophet, who speaks with respect of Jesus, Buddha and Mohammed, is talking about God as the love that flows through us.

Creativity has become a bad word, especially among accountants, but one thing is evident whether God or Science is the Creator of our world:

Life, and our survival on this planet, relies on continued creativity. There are multiple ways this can happen. Yet if we believe in denial, if we cannot find any way to be creative, then we are working against life.

Three Ways to Make Work Easier

1) Stop calculating, and start feeling.

All of us know how it feels to become energized by the spirit of love, as we feel it for others. Pet therapy, for example, has helped many Seniors turn around from deathbed situations. No matter how small, how simple, the gift we give to the world, we are nourished by the giving of it.

When we are not giving, or not seeing the positive results of our giving, we shrivel up into a shell. Our only purpose becomes to protect ourselves, and the wealth we have accumulated. Yet those who calculate theirs among the highest riches are often the most miserly and lead the poorest lives. They become unable even to be generous to their loved ones, even themselves.

A close friend from a wealthy family wanted to play the guitar. His father, an accountant, insisted on a financial career. As my friend grew older and wiser, he saw how limiting his work with numbers was. He found a way to bridge toward another life. He volunteered to help musicians overcome their tax difficulties. In this way, he found friends who helped him enter a world where he has now found a balance between work and art.

2) Engage in an active, evolving spiritual relationship with the world.

When we allow ourselves to explore, rather than calculate spiritual gains as though they were money, we become true expressions of the divine. Jesus said: “Seek ye first the Kingdom of God.” He was a seeker all his life. He did not remain hidden in a cloister of rules. He worked among the common people, searching and finding new ways to bring divine love to them.

3) Let your Gift take on a momentum of its own.

Perhaps you have chosen unfulfilling work out of obedience to your parents, or the way you were brought up. Maybe it seems that denying your brightest talent in order just to serve time at work, is the way to show love to your own children.

Yet the Bible says “Do not hide your light under a bushel.” Even if we do not believe in God, it’s easy to see, as parents, that when we deny our talents, we are teaching our children to do the same.

My mother was a gifted painter, and my father was born with a superb singing voice. Yet they both abandoned these, and told us it was for our sake. All my life, especially when I see films of great sons of great fathers, like Mozart and Renoir, I wish that my parents has allowed their art to enter our lives even in a small way.

Why danger can be good for your child

…this danger

is danger of love, of complete love

toward all of life,

toward all lives

-Pablo Neruda (Nobel Laureate)

As parents, we want to keep our children safe. Perhaps no generation has been kept as withdrawn as the current one.  Recent research shows that today‘s kids go outdoors 50 per cent less than we did at school age. That percentage is alarming enough in itself, but what if we multiply it by another generation or two? If reduction in nature activity continues at this rate, our long-term descendants might face life as prisoners of the indoors, in a world limited by the frame around their screen.

How has this reduction in physical play happened?  One way is that when both parents are working full-time, there is no adult ‘safety anchor’ in the home to make free exploration viable. In many homes this translates into no outdoor play till Mom or Dad gets home.  Yet by that time it’s often too dark and parents are too tired to take on anything active. So, like much of the school day, the entire after-school time is spent locked in a seat: a brief break for dinner, perhaps homework and then back to the gaming chair.  We are keeping our children confined for most of their lives. But how safe, in truth, is this routine for them?

Because they are so inactive, our children’s generation is facing higher rates of obesity and related diseases then any before. Study after study shows them at an unprecedented risk. So how can a working parent support a child?

1) Trade the certain danger of being an inactive child for what I call the ‘beneficial dangers’ of getting out of a chair.

Examples of this:

Take a night hike with your child, wearing reflective clothing and headlamps to spot interesting nocturnal life.

Sign the whole family up for evenings at the local YMCA or Community Centre. Let each family member pick their favourite activity: from rock-climbing, to swimming, to Tai Kwon Do.

If transport is a problem, keep the exercise close to home with spot-lit trampoline in the backyard.

2) Plan to keep Nature a part of your family’s life (no matter the weather)

When snow lights up the evenings, build an ice rink for skating or simply release your family into the delights of forts, ice sculptures and snowballs. Walking with their parents round the neighbourhood will make them the first to spot changes such as a “haunted house” or Christmas lights!

Make simple purchases (such as cheap rubber boots and plastic capes) to ensure rain outings are possible. Buy these for yourself, too, and learn to enjoy the scent of fresh-washed air.

For times when going out simply won’t be possible, bring the wild to your home.  Help your child plan, seed and grow an indoor garden. Consider getting at least one pet for your family. Skills like grooming, feeding and caring for a living creature enable your child to develop emotional intelligence and prepare for important life relationships.

3) Make balance, not indulgence, the first parenting principle for your child.

(Recognize that being responsive to your child doesn’t mean indulging every urge.)

Yes, your youngster will play with his iPad till he collapses at 3am, but he and his teachers will one day thank you for putting it away (and keeping it from him) much earlier. Bedtime stories are a good way to break the gaming cycle and ensure quality time for literacy and family bonds.

4) Limit the time your family members spend alone with devices.

Scheduling is probably the greatest challenge parents face today. So, become an expert at it.  Set up regular routines so that it becomes easier to get your child away from a computer.  If you just leave him to it, it’s obvious that he will have more and more trouble becoming engaged with other living beings.  “Alone together” is a phrase without meaning.  If each of you is pursuing a separate virtual world, there will be no togetherness.

5)Access the power of your child’s own creativity.

Be assured, your child’s natural imagination can be your strongest ally in overcoming a videogame obsession.

Plan special outings and new books from the library to read and act aloud, so that you’re offering something interesting as an alternate to technology. My son was spending four hours a night playing video games, till we asked him to act out his favourite books for us.  Now it’s the first thing he asks to do when we get home.  He gives readings while we do our evening chores, and keeps the family together and well-entertained!

Your input would be most welcome:

I’d love to hear your ideas for loving, non-punitive ways to pull a child back from the virtual towards the natural world.  I’d also like to find out what you’d like to see in this space in the future.  You can comment, make a request, or simply like us on Facebook.

WHY WE NEED NATURE: 5 Fundamental Concepts

The Nature of Your Body

The body itself is a screen to shield and partially reveal

the light that is blazing inside your presence.

 

Each of us is born into Beauty,

But we need to be walking in a garden to see it.

-Rumi  (OHBW, p.27)
Imagine your body as an eco-system.  You marvel at its streams and waterfalls, would never dream of pouring poison into the play of its waters.  The longer you spend inside this place, the more you become aware of a delicate balance between parts, of how easily you might tear the carefully strung web.  Where you seek to nourish, you might weigh down and destroy.  You learn to touch carefully here, to tune your senses to a rhythm you could once barely perceive.

Or perhaps you prefer the image of your body as a treasured pet.  A pony, for instance, that you longed for as a child.  You clean and polish the bright skin so it will gleam like your dreams. You set free the strong spine and limbs to massage themselves often with joyful movement, never allowing sad stasis to take hold.  Together you and this loved creature dance as one being, as the interplay of two kinds of life.  You begin to feel that within his strength, there is a vision as creative as your mind’s, that his beating heart will carry you much further than you could go alone.

The lovely quotes at the start of this chapter are from the 14th century Sufi poet Rumi, whose words effortlessly lift the human body into unity with Nature and the spiritual power within. For thousands of years, aboriginal tribes and religious groups have sent members into the wild in the belief that this would be a growth experience for them.

Jesus, Mohammed, Buddha and many other prophets have gone into outdoor isolation for a time.  They found a truth that was solitary, but would later benefit the world.  The coming-of-age Nature ritual has also been an important part of an adolescent’s life in many cultures, often with the young person’s name changing afterwards to reflect a truer understanding of the self.  Yet, as the Australian aboriginal “walkabout” proves, the transformational power of Nature can take place at any age.

From these examples, we learn that from many different world cultures, some have gone into Nature to contemplate spiritual unity.   In each case, Nature has the effect of therapy, and these people emerge not always as visionaries,  but often as empowered individuals with ideas that nourish their lives and those of their people for generations.

WHY WE NEED NATURE: 5 Fundamental Concepts 

These are the core ideas which have supported me in making my own Nature connection.

  1. We need to pay attention to our physical selves and the world around us to survive.

Despite technological changes in our outward manner of living, ours is not an Artificial Intelligence.  We have not evolved beyond our fundamental physical state.  We are creatures whose growth and wellness needs Nature as a reference point.

2. Psychologically, If we ignore our need for Nature,we develop a deep-seated unease.

If we remain unable to make meaningful contact with our natural needs and environment,  it will impact wellness and eventually health.

From instinct, we still reach toward our natural environment according to the drives we are born with.

As Michael Hyatt recently put it: “We are hard-wired for contact with Nature.”

3. Opening one’s life to include a relationship with Nature can assist healing and the achievement of lasting wellness.

This needs to be done gradually and according to one’s own pace.   It does not require rejecting your doctor, religious faith or medication.

4. At times of crisis, rather than becoming self-destructive, we can turn to unity with Nature to fortify our self-care.

As we move closer to understanding Nature, we learn to better appreciate and care for our own bodies, thereby becoming proactive about our health and wellness.

5. We can learn from people who have a powerful personal connection with Nature, such as aboriginals, prophets and nature writers.  We can then adapt what we learn to form our own unique, personal relationship with the Earth.